So, you’re bored shitless with the missionary position and your pussy (the feline one) has ended up playing with all your sex toys because they just don’t quite send you over the edge like they used to. That, and your computer is too loaded with viruses to even switch on because you’ve clicked on your favourite porn site more times than your ex’s Facebook page (which is a lot isn’t it?). You’ve torn your hamstrings from attempting too much Kama Sutra, and all that kinky S&M stuff just feels like child’s play now. And let’s not get you started on dating, because frankly, you’d rather get your tubes tied/foreskin chewed off than spend three hours talking about the weather over mediocre food and grog.
Just admit to it. You want to do it like an animal now. Well here’s your inspiration from the top 10 most hardcore sex freaks of the animal kingdom. Have your tissues ready…
10. Brown antechinus (Species: Antechinus stuartii)
Well, whatever the fuck happened to dinner and a movie? You won’t get candlelit dinners and roses from this manwhore of a marsupial, but he will go out with a bang – literally. This little ball of fluff literally shags as many girls as possible until he drops dead, an event known to the white coat crowd as semelparity.
In fact, it’s the sort of date you’ll be spending all year greasing your crotch up for, only to show up with hundreds of other ladies, no dinner and no contraception. Pfffft why would any self-respecting single antechinus lady bother with a sex addict who will die before he even catches your surname? Weeellll, you are guaranteed a 12-hour sex marathon that will leave your bits well and truly pureed, and for a girl of this species, that’s all you’ll want really. That, and you’ll get a litter of up to 10 kids. Woot. Just don’t expect the bloke to pay child support, as he’ll be too busy bangin’ virgins in antechinus heaven.
But if you ever start having regrets in the midst of single-motheritis, you can always comfort yourself by knowing that Mr. Fuck-me-dead died a horrible, corticosteroid-fueled death wracked with internal bleeding, gangrene and a whole slew of infections as a result of his insatiable thirst for sexual competition. Seems fair…
Dating tip: Screw fast, die young.
9. Hippopotamus (Species: Hippopotamus amphibius)
Ever shat your pants out of nerves before a first date? Unacceptable isn’t it? But if you’re a male hippo, turning your tail into a shit and piss spraying propeller is more romantic than getting sand in your foreskin after a quickie on the beach at sunset.
Instead of showing up at your front door with a box of chocolates, your date will create his own brown stuff to make your undies all gooey. And if you’re not digging the prospect of having your impeccable first-date makeup ruined by a spray of faecal matter, there’s no chance you’ll find another hot male in your periphery, because Mr. Shizen’s display is also his way of marking his territory, i.e YOU.
Dating tip: If you really want to impress her, take a laxative beforehand.
8. White-fronted parrot (Species: Amazona albifrons)
Ok, this one starts off well in human terms, seeing as we’re dealing with one of the few species which engages in kissing (daaaaaaaw). So, the date will be going smoother than a Barry White song. You’ll be so turned on by your man’s green feathered suit that you’ll be tongue punching each other non-stop. He’s a pretty good kisser, striking the perfect balance between beak and tongue, and you think that he may be the one to give you a nest of four kids.
Then he throws up the $200 meal you just had – in your mouth. And just when you think that his puking is because he handles booze like an underager in a whiskey bar, he says something like, “that steak was sooooo good that I want you to have it, but I only just realised that. Sorry.” Scientists don’t even know the function of this disgusting act other than the possibility that the spew is some kind of ‘gift’ from the male. I guess it kinda works if you have a combination of food envy and an inability to masticate. I did say MAS-TI-CATE.
Dating tip: Pick out your favourite thing on the menu and get him to order it for himself. Skip dessert and leave room for his vomit instead.
7. Flatworm (Phylum: Platyhelminthes)
“On guaaarrd!!!” is something you could be saying a lot whilst on a date with Mr. Flatworm. Actually, make that Mr. and/or Miss Flatworm seeing as we’re dealing with a hermaphrodite here. This means that you’re both going to have trouser snakes; white, double-headed, dagger-like trouser snakes that look like they belong on the cover of a bad death-metal album.
So, how are you going to figure out who gets to be the missus? By dropping your flatworm designer jeans and having a round of good ol’ fashioned penis fencing. Duh! Whoever gets their skin pierced and subsequently jizzed on first is the ‘loser’ i.e the mother of the kids. That’s literally how scientists describe it. Don’t stab me with your crotch-sword for sounding sexist.
Dating tip: You may want to avoid typical date locations such as posh restaurants, coffee shops and the movies. You’re better off taking him/her/it down a dark alley, the back of a service station, or the roughest pub you can find where this sort of behaviour is acceptable. Or better yet, prison. That sort of thing is expected there…
6. Water boatman (Species: Micronecta scholtzi)
Oh not this guy! You know the type. That wimp of a guy who spontaneously bursts into song professing his undying love for you within the first hour of a date, possibly with an out-of-tune guitar that’s worth less than the mediocre wine you’ve been knocking back to get through the night without slitting your wrists.
But if you’re with Mr. Micronecta, he’ll be busting out tunes by rubbing his manhood against his abdomen…at 100 decibels. That’s as loud as a motorcycle going brraaaaaaaaaaap. Yeah, he’s not the strong silent type at all. And if you’re thinking his junk must be the size of a trombone to produce such eardrum-shattering serenades, well you’re wrong. He’s a puny 2.3 millimetres long, which would make his penis…pretty bloody non-existent.
But if you’re hoping that you’ll be safe from embarrassment when you’re dining in a restaurant packed full of other species due to musical-schlong’s species-specific serenades, you’re wrong. His singing penis is so loud that even humans can hear it emanating from the depths of the local river. Well that’s just fucking great…
Dating tip: Put in a request beforehand. If he can’t play your favourite song then cancel the date to avoid public shame.
5. Hyena (Family: Hyaenidae)
Well blokes, prepare to be stuffing socks down your jeans before taking this androgen-pumped lass out, because you’re likely going to feel somewhat inadequate in the groin area. In fact, instead of wining and dining her, it’s probably best to take your alpha female hyena out for beer, footy and strippers. This is because she will look more he-man than you due to her body being pumped full of the blokey hormone, androgen.
Alpha hyena lads, I mean, lasses have a super-dose of androgen to ensure that their offspring are aggressive enough to survive on the harsh African savannah. However, all those extra man-mones not only give her rippling muscles that would snap your arm off in an arm-wrestle, they also give her a 7-inch clitoris that will make your manhood shrivel up in shame. Once you get over the initial feeling of being emasculated, you may feel somewhat relieved to know that her clitoris is pretty easy to find. But little did you know that you have to actually have penetrative sex with her pseudo-penis-clit thing, which could take months to master. And if that whole ordeal isn’t awkward enough already, what will be even more awkward is watching your almost-transvestite girlfriend give birth through something that is basically a penis.
Dating tip: Don’t even bother, basically.
4. Duck (Family: Anatidae)
Ok, ducks are messed up. I mean look at them. They glide across your childhood memories like feathered dream boats from the pages of your favourite storybook. But can you trust Mr. Drake to mind your drink as you duck (ahem!) into the little girls room to powder your bill? Hell no! He’ll be spiking it with something, because what we have here is a serial rapist.
“Oh but how bad could it be?” you ask, “birds don’t have penises, so wouldn’t he just rub his feathery crotch against my ass or something? I think that’s kinda cute.”
Well, no. Ducks are one of the few birds which do have penises; monstrous, spiralling, barbed penises that look and behave like something out of the gnarliest of Japanese pornos. But don’t blame him for being screwed up! It’s just that duck women are damn hard to impregnate because their vaginas are so complex and maze-like that you almost need a GPS to navigate them, and ducks don’t have smart phones! So evolution simply gave them the next best thing – genitalia that can crack female complexity. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. In duck language, that means rape ‘em.
Dating tip: Watch some Japanese porn to get in the mood. At least being in the mood will make the whole thing consensual.
3. Whiptail lizard (Genus: Cnemidophorus)
OMG finally! A date that resembles your orgiastic Girls Gone Wild fantasy. Hot chicks getting onto each other and dragging you into the fun as well!! All of this while your mate films the whole thing with his cellphone!
Hmmmm yeeeaaaah, well about the being included part. You see the thing is, this is kind of a girls night out.
Ok more like a man-hating lesbian night out.
Oh alriiiight. There’s actually no such thing as a man in this gang at all, because what we have here is a bunch of ‘parthenogenetic unisexual pseudocopulators’ which really just means ‘dry-humping lesbian semi-clones’.
These gals are the ultimate embodiment of the I-don’t-need-a-man-to-have-a-kid movement, because they reproduce all on their own just like the Virgin Mary. Men are about as real as unicorns, Santa Claus and Jocelyn Wildenstein’s face. There is mo such thing in whiptail lizard land. But it’s not all sexless, because these lizards are known to still hump each other for no particular reason at all. Of course, you would like to think it’s so you can post the footage on the internet.
Dating tip: Be a lesbian.
2. Cichlid fish (Family: Cichlidae)
So, you think taking it in the mouth is the best contraceptive? Not if you’re a female cichlid fish who gives birth from her pie-hole. And if you’re a male, don’t expect to talk to your date about politics, star signs and how your freshwater habitat ain’t lookin’ so fresh anymore.
This is because your date’s mouth will be stuffed full of eggs, along with all the other ‘essential’ paraphernalia girls carry in their handbags. This means that taking her out to a nice meal isn’t really an option, and you won’t get much more than a ‘mmmphhh’ when you crack one of your appalling jokes about how many beta-male cichlids it takes to change a lightbulb.
But don’t despair, you colourful hunk of cichlid alpha-maleness, because shortly you can cut the dinner-and-movie crap and trick her into eating your spunk. Yep, you’ll trick her, because you have markings on your anal fin which look just like the eggs she’s holding in her gob. Thinking that you’re being a gentleman for picking up her rogue eggs, she’ll come over and start sucking on you harder than a vacuum in a priest’s changing room. At this glorious moment, you’ll get to shoot all over her like the dominating alpha-male that you are. You’ll then speed off into the watery sunset doing the swim of pride while she gets stuck with a bunch of kids in her mouth.
Dating tip: Here’s a girl who is always paranoid about losing things, especially her eggs. So use this to your advantage. Be nice and offer to count her eggs for her. This will get her mouth wide open, and then you can blind her with your man glue and quickly swim off to go to the cichlid fish equivalent of the titty bar with your mates. Smooth.
1. Anglerfish (Order: Lophiiformes)
Ladies, make sure you’re cashed up and wearing some pants because not only will you have to pay for dinner, you’re also about to become a lifelong sugar-mummy. Here’s the dude that Cosmo mag warns you about every week. He drains good tax payers’ money while he scratches his ass and reaches for the remote.
What we have here is the fucking useless freeloading, dole-bludgeing douchebag of the deep sea. He’s such a screw-up that once he gets to a certain age (oh gee I dunno, fourteen in human years) his digestive system shuts down and he can’t even feed himself. This means that he has to find a mothe….eerr….girlfriend to pretty much wipe his ass for him, a phenomenon known as sexual parasitism to those who are too polite to call this dude a fucktard.
So basically, your night out would consist of him biting you and releasing an enzyme which fuses the two of you together forever right down to the circulatory system, which almost sounds like the stuff of some romantic vampire novel, almost. But once the initial honeymoon phase of eternal bonding wears off, you’ll find that you’re stuck with an empty fridge, extra bills and a whole bunch of kids you can’t remember conceiving because your clingy boyfriend jizzed all over your eggs when you were too busy doing, oh you know, everything.
Dating tip: Get rich and watch some shitty vampire-romance shows to make sexual parasitism seem more appealing.
Maybe the missionary position ain’t so bad after all…